I kept it together. I was calm. I wanted to take Karlee (his other daughter) and hold her. I offer to let her stay the night if she wanted to see AJ and Ariel. I packed up her toys and her clothes. I gave her her Easter baskets from me and Mema. I stayed strong.
I helped Hector find all the odds and ends that were scattered around my house. I told him I was keeping the Nightmare Before Christmas blanket I had bought him. I informed him to give me back Karlee's clothes when she grew out of them so I could save them for Ariel. I told him I would see him next week for my therapy session.
I reminded him that if there was even the slightest chance that his father would be left in charge of my precious preemie baby girl that she was NOT going to spend the night with him. Not that she was going tonight, not that I'm even comfortable with the thought of her being away from me. I'm lucky that AJ's "father" only did a month of visits. I had my bouncing baby boy all to myself. I ran away and stayed out late those few nights he wasn't there. I was just so empty and lost without him.
I'll be a wreck when Ariel goes since I'll still have AJ to remind me that I'm missing my baby girl.
Anyway, I did good. I was calm, cool and collected the whole time he was there. I even helped him take out bags to his car. I even had to call him back when I realized he forgot Karlee's clothes.
That did it. That finally time he walked out the door and I had sad, mixed, lost thoughts going through my head. AJ made me cry.
As Hector walked through the house that last time, AJ followed him to the door calling out "bye daddy, I miss you." I brought him to the screen door and made sure Hector heard him, and AJ calls again, "bye daddy, I miss you!"
That did it. I was a mess. I walked away. I tried to make myself busy. I got Ariel's dinner out. I tried to feed her.
The closed chest, tight breathing, drowning feeling starts. I gulped air. I tried to breathe calm.
None of it worked. I started crying. I moved Ariel to grandma and she asked if I was alright. I said no I'm not, and then I couldn't even make words. I started pacing. I was bawling. Grandma sent me out of the house, told me to go calm down.