Friday, April 13, 2012

Sometimes its not the one that hurt you that makes you cry

Today was the day. Not the last day. But the day that the ex came to pick up the rest of his stuff from my house. To which he didn't realize was so much, yeah 3 years does make for a lot of stuff.

I kept it together. I was calm. I wanted to take Karlee (his other daughter) and hold her. I offer to let her stay the night if she wanted to see AJ and Ariel. I packed up her toys and her clothes. I gave her her Easter baskets from me and Mema. I stayed strong.

I helped Hector find all the odds and ends that were scattered around my house. I told him I was keeping the Nightmare Before Christmas blanket I had bought him. I informed him to give me back Karlee's clothes when she grew out of them so I could save them for Ariel. I told him I would see him next week for my therapy session.

I reminded him that if there was even the slightest chance that his father would be left in charge of my precious preemie baby girl that she was NOT going to spend the night with him. Not that she was going tonight, not that I'm even comfortable with the thought of her being away from me. I'm lucky that AJ's "father" only did a month of visits. I had my bouncing baby boy all to myself. I ran away and stayed out late those few nights he wasn't there. I was just so empty and lost without him.

I'll be a wreck when Ariel goes since I'll still have AJ to remind me that I'm missing my baby girl.

Anyway, I did good. I was calm, cool and collected the whole time he was there. I even helped him take out bags to his car. I even had to call him back when I realized he forgot Karlee's clothes.

That did it. That finally time he walked out the door and I had sad, mixed, lost thoughts going through my head. AJ made me cry.

As Hector walked through the house that last time, AJ followed him to the door calling out "bye daddy, I miss you." I brought him to the screen door and made sure Hector heard him, and AJ calls again, "bye daddy, I miss you!"

That did it. I was a mess. I walked away. I tried to make myself busy. I got Ariel's dinner out. I tried to feed her.

The closed chest, tight breathing, drowning feeling starts. I gulped air. I tried to breathe calm.

None of it worked. I started crying. I moved Ariel to grandma and she asked if I was alright. I said no I'm not, and then I couldn't even make words. I started pacing. I was bawling. Grandma sent me out of the house, told me to go calm down.

This sucks.

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8 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're going through this. Keep your head up and stay strong for your babies. He doesn't deserve your tears <3

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    1. I'm working on it, I'm doing surprising well under a lot of pressure.

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  2. I know this sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I'm glad for you. He was not the man for you. If he was, he would not have done this. You are now free to heal and learn from this situation, then you can find the man that will treat you and your beautiful babies like the treasures that you are. I feel sad for your little ones, esp AJ. Ariel is young, but AJ has an idea of what is going on and will miss your ex. I know you are doing this anyway, but hold your babies tight. It may sound trite, but things will get better.

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    1. I know they will. Another friend mentioned that I might want to take AJ to therapy since he is old enough to understand, and that it is going to mess something bad with his head.

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  3. *hugs*, *hugs*, and more *hugs*. Just take your time healing and grieving. Don't grieve Hector, as he's not worth it. Grieve only the
    man he couldn't be and the relationship that couldn't be. Much love and light to you, honey.

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  4. I glad to see that you two are no longer together. 3 years is a long time, of course it hurts, dear. Don't be afraid to let out your emotions. Don't hold them in. Healing blessings. ~)O(~

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I'm doing better each day but there is flare up so to speak.

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